Bad When You Annoy Yourself
by Vixie Bing
Summary: What happenes when things get so bad you dont even want to be with yourself any more and you become a danger to everyone? Warning: Rated R for language and suicide themes in first chapter. C&M please R'n'R
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters, they belong to their creators at NBC. I don't own 'Don't let me get me' By Pink either.
    
    The knife is glinting on the table in the apartment I share with my wife. I can see it glinting in the streetlight from outside through my tears. These are tears of hurt and sadness and knowledge. The knowledge that I will, inevitably, end up alone. I know my wife wont stay with me forever. I know my friends will gradually get life's of their own and move away to start the family of their own. I cant compete with the happiness that they will get from that. Hell, I can compete with anything these days. Im getting phased out and I know it. The gang have started to go places without asking me if I wasn't to go if im not there when they decide it. Even my own wife is avoiding me.
    
    **_Everyday I fight a war against the mirror_**
    
    **_I Can't take the person staring back at me_**
    
    I reach down to pick up the knife, hoping to rid myself of these thoughts and to exchange my sever emotional pain for extreme physical pain. I have locked the door, that'll be a shock for anyone wanting to come in. the door hasn't been locked since that Thanksgiving years ago when we were all locked out and the dinner was ruined. The whole day was ruined, for everyone except me of course, who has always considered that day ruined, ever since my father chose to abandon me for good, deciding that I was just too much for him to take. Hell I don't blame him. even I think that most of the time. I whine constantly, and the times that im not whining im making fun and sometimes even insulting my friends. In fact I don't blame them if they choose to abandon me as well, if I had the chance I would abandon myself. 
    
    I'm my own worst enemy
    
    It's bad when you annoy yourself,
    
    So now I have chosen to do it. To rid myself of every little thing that upsets me. There wont be many tears shed over my death, Ross and Rachel have little Emma to care for, why should they even notice if I'm gone? They didn't really care when I said I had to move to Tulsa so why should this be any different? I hate that job too. I have no respect there, no-one really knows who I am and everyone makes fun of me. I'm sent away to a different state every week to be with more people I don't know and who will act the same way to me. 
    
    **_Don't want to be my friend no more_**
    
    **_I wanna be somebody else_**
    
    But what about Monica? Yeah; what about her? Seriously, she doesn't care about me, if she did she wouldn't be fucking with my best friend. Well the man who I thought and considered as my best friend. He was like a brother to me, we always had so much fun and I thought that even at the end of the day, if everyone else had gone he would still be there for me, doing all that he could to keep me happy. But no. as soon as im guaranteed to be gone for four days a week they hop in to bed together. Well I just hope they're happy together.
    
    I wanna be somebody else
    
    Actually I don't. I don't hope that any of them are happy. I hope they realise how miserable it is without me. I hope they're all wretched with the idea that they were the only people who could have saved me and couldn't do that. I hope they all fail in their life's work and never amount to anything. 
    
    **_So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something?_**
    
    **_A day in the life of someone else_**
    
    All I ever wanted in life was to be loved. I should have known that it was never meant to be. Why should anyone love me? Im sarcastic, I moan about everything. I grew up in a rich, thriving community. I was promised a great lifestyle. I never had problems with money and even if I felt that no-one cared about me the truth was that there was always someone there. Even if they didn't help they were still there. But I had to whine and complain just because my dad decided that it would be better for him to go live in Vegas with his boyfriend. I was selfish wanting them to stay together. They wouldn't have been happy.
    
    **_Cause I'm a hazard to myself_**
    
    **_Don't let me get me_**
    
    I place the edge of the blade against my skin, a ghost of a smile crossing across my lips as I feel the coldness of the metal, the sharpness of the blade. I ran it sharply but smoothly over my skin, not even wincing when it tore open my flesh and not grimacing when I saw the blood begin to ooze out. I smiled though. I smiled as I smelt the coppery tang of my life fluid. I bent my head down to taste it and somehow felt a world better when my tongue flicked in to the bright red liquid seeping though my skin, as I tasted its metallic flavour everything seemed ok. but I knew that in reality it wasn't.
    
    **_I'm my own worst enemy_**
    
    ****
    
    I savoured the pain and the taste, smell and sight every time I ran the cold blade against my skin. I wanted there to be a lot of blood, so that when they found me they knew for sure that I was dead, a part of me also wanted there to be a mess, to drive me 'ever-loving' wife crazy. Blood was a hard thing to remove when it stained, even from hard wood floors. 
    
    **_I Wanna be somebody else_**
    
    I was shaking hard by the time I had run out of room on my arms. I laughed slightly as my eyes roamed down to my wrist. The blue veins clearly showing, begging to be sliced. I could imagine it now; the glistening fluid flowing freely from the wound with out any sign of stopping until there was no more blood to be shed. By then my life, my pain and my worries would be well gone. I would probably come back in life as something worse but right then I didn't care.
    
    Its bad when you annoy yourself
    
    I put the knife to the first wrist and nicked the surface before slashing right across it.
    
    I heard someone try to open the door and a confused mumbling before keys were retrieved and the door opened. I looked right in to the face of my wife and Phoebe. Of course Phoebe! Why hadn't I thought of here yet? What would her reaction have been? Telling Monica to forget all about me because she knew, she KNEW what I knew, that I was no good and no-one should worry about me.
    
    'Chandler!' Monica gasped as she saw that sate I was in. tears streamed freely over my flushed face still, blood dripping, oozing and in some cases gushing from the wounds I had inflicted on myself. I wondered for a moment if she was more worried about her floors or me taking my own life. My knees gave way as I slashed open the other wrist and I fell to the floor. Monica ran over to me and the look I saw in her eyes gave me the first feeling of regret I had all throughout. She did seem genually worried about me. I shrugged it aside and awaited for death as my eyes flickered closed. 
    
    The last sound I took with me to the afterlife was my wife's hysterical sobbing. Oh well. She'd know exactly why in the note I had left on the table. I had smeared that with blood too.
    
    **_I'm a hazard to myself_**
    
    **_Don't let me get me_**
    
    **_I'm my own worst enemy_**
    
    **_It's bad when you annoy yourself,_**
    
    **_So irritating_**
    
    **_Don't want to be my friend no more_**
    
    **_I wanna be somebody else_**
    
    ****
    
    ****
    
    I awoke with a start. Had it all been a dream? I looked down at my arms and saw there were no cuts there, just my gorgeous wife sleep and looking so peaceful I couldn't help but smile. My smile quickly vanished as I recalled the dream. It was the ninth one in the last two months. I knew that I really felt that way. Ok so the details of how and why I killed myself changed some times but the feeling was always there, the feeling of utter despair, desolation and hopelessness hung around me constantly. I knew that I would be driven to taking my life if something wasn't done soon.
    
    Ok so this is part one. There will be a follow-up soon, more soon then any of the others because im in this kind of mood right now. Its ok I wont be doing any of this but I still feel the same. Please leave a review, you never know it might brighten up my day. Happy new year.


	2. Chapter 2

'It's just. I feel like im not good enough for you Mon' There, I had finally said it. This was something that had been bothering me for ages, the fact that my wife, who could have anyone she wanted, had settled for me. I wasn't anything special like some of the other guys she had dated, Richard was handsome and a grown-up and Pete was a millionaire, and what was I?  
  
'Chandler!' Monica exclaimed so suddenly that it made me jump. When she saw the look that must have been on my face she softened, speaking more quietly. 'Chandler sweetheart, I love you! I always loved you and always will. What makes you think that you're not good enough for me? I don't think that and its not even true.' She told me, while she had been speaking she moved over to sit next to me on the couch, holding my hands in hers. I felt I should believe her but I was used to people saying these kind of things and then doing the exact opposite. But then why else would she be up at three in the morning comforting me?  
  
I had gotten out of bed after the nightmare and tried to make a drink to calm me down but there had been so much on my mind that I hadn't been quiet and woken her up. She had come out to see what was wrong. I had tried to send her back to bed but when she had seen the sate I was in, shaking and almost crying, she had insisted that I told her what was wrong. That had resulted in me telling her my biggest fear.  
  
'Mon, how can I be good enough for anyone? I have a job which no-one even knows what it is. No-one listens when I talk about it either. I'm too sarcastic and hide all of my feelings away behind my defence mechanism and don't let anyone know what I'm feeling and then I moan that no-one understands! I push everyone away and joke abut them, they must hate me!' I didn't realise that I was yelling.  
  
'Chandler!' Monica exclaimed again, almost crying but I cut her off.  
  
'Monica, you're like this beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman like a. a princess you know, like in one of those fairytales where all the handsome princes in the country come galloping up on their horses and whisk you away to live happily ever after and give you everything you want but you turned all of them down and choose the. farmers boy or something.' I slumped down in to my seat with my head in my hands.  
  
'Chandler, believe me, you're not just the farmers boy! You're like. the brave knight that came and swept me off of my feet rescuing me from all the other 'princes' who wanted me for a good time. You mean so much more to me! You're sweet and kind and loving and you make me feel so special.' Monica sobbed and for a moment I almost let myself believe her. She kissed my cheek and I closed my eyes to enjoy the feeling. Seeing my reaction she carried on kissing me, smothering my lips, cheeks, chin and forehead with her butterfly kisses. Her lips reached down to my neck and her head rested there. She sighed heavily and held me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. We fell asleep in each others arms.  
  
  
  
When I woke up the next morning I was alone on the couch. I kept my eyes closed and listened to the sounds around me. Monica was cooking in the kitchen, humming as she worked. I sighed aloud as the depression from last nights dream crept back over me. Monica stopped what she was doing and walked over to me. I opened my eyes and saw her standing right in front of me, looking down at my face and smiling. Seeing her like that I couldn't help smiling myself. She crept on to my lap and kissed me, I kissed back hungrily, not wanting it to end. the smell of something burning filled the room. I felt Monica tense, wanting to go and fix it but knowing that I would be hurt if she left. I smiled to myself and pulled away from her.  
  
'Something's burning' I whispered, my face just millimetres from hers. She smiled at me and gently climbed off my lap.  
  
She walked over to the kitchen, picked up something and sighed as she tipped it in the bin. I stood up and went in to the bedroom to pack for leaving for Tulsa, there was a meeting really early tomorrow, forcing me to leave later this afternoon. I sighed, the feeling of dread and depression waving back over me again. Not for the first time I thought to myself how much I hated my job, how useless it made me feel and also not for the first time I thought about leaving it and becoming a writer. At least then I could stay in New York and be with my friends a whole lot more. And because I wouldn't have a set time for work, like Joey, I could hang out with him much more. I smiled at the thought that when Monica had our first child I could look after him or her if she wanted to go back to work.  
  
I finished packing and walked back out to the kitchen where I discovered that the rest of the gang had arrived.  
  
'Hey guys' I said, the others looked up and said hi before going back to their conversation. I waited for a break and then spoke up. 'I've decided, I'm going to quit my job.' I announced. My friends looked at me sceptically and I wondered how many times I had said I was going to do this but then backed down because of 'the fear'.  
  
'Yeah right Chandler, you've said that loads of times, you'll be in that job for ever, you know that. I really thought you had made your peace with that fact.' Rachel said. She was bouncing baby Emma on her knee not noticing that she had dropped her toy on the floor.  
  
'What makes you say that? I could quit at any time.' I said confidently. I could and I was certain that I would, when my boss asked for evaluations of the workers that was due tomorrow I would hand it to him and then have my notice and inform him that this would be my last week with the company.  
  
'Yeah but you've said that about a thousand times Chandler, and you've always ended up too afraid. I tell you, the day you quit will be the day that Joey knows more about Dinosaurs then Ross.' Phoebe commented. The others laughed and I could feel the anger rising up in me. I couldn't believe that my own friends were doing this. They were meant to be supportive but they were just disregarding this as nothing.  
  
*Well * I thought to myself *I'll show *  
  
'Yeah and think how much harder it would be if you didn't have your income to support the bills.' Monica said, laughing along with the others.  
  
'Well it wouldn't be like I don't have another job you know.' I said, probably a little louder then was necessary, but by now I was angry at my friends for not believing in me. 'I'm getting another job.'  
  
'As what?' Ross asked.  
  
'Writer. I've always wanted to be a writer, and I can totally do it as well.' I said smiling. I had my dream now and I was going to make it come true, even if I wasn't going to get the support from my friends.  
  
'Well, like mother like son.' Phoebe laughed. 'I mean I know it's meant to be the father but your obviously not facing up to that any time soon.' The others laughed along with her and I felt my anger rising even more.  
  
'Not romance novels, I mean I could write books but I was thinking more along the lines of newspaper articles.' I said bitterly. The others just nodded patronizingly and changed the topic of the conversation. I walked back to the bedroom and closed the door, well slammed it really and picked up m suitcase. Over the last few months I had felt left out from the gang, as if I were an outsider, and perhaps I was. I had a job in the other city, I always tired recently and didn't want to go anywhere. But I promised myself that all that would change. I just needed to get out of this job. It was the job that was causing all the problems. It was taking me away from my home, making me tired, irritating me with all the travelling involved and I've hated it from day one so it had to be the reason I was so unhappy. There was nothing else. Except the nightmares.  
  
I walked back out in to the living room with my travelling case and headed towards the door. 'Well I have to get going now, I'll see you all later in the week.' I said and opened the door.  
  
'Good luck in quitting your job.' Ross smirked. I sneered back at him and walked out the door. I was at the top of the stairs when I heard my name being called.  
  
'Chandler wait!' Monica yelled. I turned around and walked towards her as she walked towards the stairs. 'You didn't say goodbye to me.' She whispered. It hit me hard when I realised she was right.  
  
'Sorry.' I said lamely. She shrugged and kissed me on the lips long and hard. It left me so dazed that when she pulled away I felt dizzy. She smiled at me and turned around to head back to the apartment. I held on to her arm to prevent her from leaving. 'Mon, do you really think I wont quit my job? Coz I'm going to today, so now's your time to say something about it.' I said. Monica just smiled again and kissed me on the nose before saying goodbye again. I walked down the stairs and hailed a cab outside and it wasn't until I had told the driver where I wanted to go that I realised no-one knew that my flight wasn't until later tonight.  
  
  
  
Hiya, sorry that took so long. I know I keep going on about homework but it is my only fault I promise. The next chapter will be quicker as I've finished a big part of the coursework now, I think :-S. anyway please review. It'll help motivate me. 


	3. Chapter 3

Hiya, this isn't really a long chapter but I needed something as a bridge to the next chapter, which will be the following events from this in Monicas' point of view. That will be out shortly as half term is almost here and my coursework is almost finished (YES!!!!) anyway, I would say 'enjoy' but it's not really that sort of fic ;-)  
  
  
  
  
  
'Well Bing, I have to say that the punctuality of this report is impressive. Better then any other department even.' My boss said smiling at me. I managed a smile back but inside I was terrified, I was actually going to quit my job, without any back-up. What if didn't get another job? What if this foolish action forced Monica and I into bankruptcy? What if we didn't have enough money to live on?  
  
I had to stop thinking like that. I had to be strong and prove to the others that I could do this. That I could live my dream, after all; why was I the only one that wasn't doing what I wanted?  
  
'Thankyou sir.' I said nervously. He shuffled though the papers as I stood there nervously, wondering what to say.  
  
  
  
A smile was one my face as I walked through the door to the apartment I shared with my wife. I had quit, I was free I was happy. But those thoughts instantly left my head when I saw Monica. She was at the kitchen table with her head in her arms, it was obvious that she was crying.  
  
'Monica? Honey what's wrong?' I asked walking over to her. Her head snapped up when I spoke and she stood up to look straight in to my eyes. Her sweet blue eyes were bloodshot and lined with tears that were stained down her cheeks.  
  
'Don't you 'honey' me! Tell me what the fuck this is!' She yelled at me, trusting a note to my chest before storming off to the bedroom. The note fluttered to the floor as I stood there, too shocked to realise it at first. After a few seconds I bent down to pick up the note and m heart felt like it was shuddering to a halt when I saw what it was. Scribbled roughly in my handwriting, stained with blood and tears of anger, frustration and grief was the suicide note I wrote in my dream. But how did it become real?  
  
'Dear God' I thought as I stared at the note. It was real, it was exactly what I had wrote, all the spiteful, hurt filled words that I had wrote to my friends in a time of utter desperation as I prepared to slit my wrists and end my life. My hands started to shake, how was it real?  
  
I pulled up my sleeves, looking to see if the scars were there. They looked real too, but they were still oozing with blood, dripping down my arm and staining my shirt. I cried out, what was happening?  
  
I heard the sound of a door opening but it was as if it were from a great distance away and it was the last sound I heard before the roaring of blood filled my ears. I looked down at the kitchen table, the knife was there as if I had just used it, gleaming with the thick red liquid in the bright light of the kitchen.  
  
I didn't hear as my wife asked me what was wrong. I backed away from the person I felt touch me, finding their comforting touch disturbing. I backed in to the counter as I knelt down to the floor, blood starting to pour from the wounds that were becoming larger and deeper without me doing anything. I shut my eyes as visions began to appear before me and I lost total sense of my surroundings. Blackness shadowed around me and the last conscious thought I had was the terrifying realisation that this was not a dream. 


	4. Chapter 4

I held the letter in my shaking hands. I couldn't believe what was written there. Such hateful words directed at the people who loved him so much. Smeared with blood and stained with tears the words had run together and it was a little hard to read but what was implied was perfectly clear. It was a suicide letter; he was saying his last goodbye in the most hateful way. Spiteful words jumped out at me as my eyes roamed over the note one more time.  
  
I didn't get it. How were things this bad? I had really believed that things were ok. Tears were streaming down my face as questions filled my mind. Did he really mean all of this? He must have, he had left it in a place where I was sure to find it. How was putting it in the bucket that I mopped the floor with hiding it?  
  
Suddenly I wasn't upset any more. I was angry at him. Why was he this upset? What had we done to deserve this? Before I could ask myself anything else Chandler walked in. he was smiling and looked happy which just made me even more mad at him.  
  
'Hi honey.' He called to me. My anger flared and I yelled at him, thrusting the letter to him before running blindly to the bedroom we shared, slamming the door and throwing myself down on the bed as tears began to fall freely. I heard Chandler cry out from the livingroom. My anger sparked again, I wouldn't let myself get upset like this, I walked over to the door to go and confront him.  
  
Instantly I could tell that something was wrong. Chandler was crouched down by the countertop, his body was convulsing violently. I called out his name and ran over to him. He didn't seem to be able to hear me or feel me; he kept rubbing his arms and crying out. Suddenly his body relaxed and he collapsed on the floor.  
  
'Chandler.' I called to him, trying to wake him up. When he didn't move I checked his pulse and his breathing and when I was sure he was fine I began to panic. What could I do?  
  
'Joey.' I yelled out as loud as I could. A few seconds later, no-one came. I yelled again, louder. I didn't want to leave my husbands side but I had to get help. I tried yelling out one more time before I got up and ran to the door. As I reached it Joey and Phoebe cam running in looking panicked.  
  
'Monica, what's wrong?' Phoebe asked. Tears were running down my face again and I was shaking like crazy.  
  
'Chandler' I managed to choke out before the lump in my throat restricted me from saying anything else. Joey went over and knelt down by him.  
  
'What happened?' He asked. I could tell he was trying to be calm. I shook my head. He put his arm under Chandlers shoulder and rested his head in the crook of the arm. The other arm went under his legs and he lifted him up and carried him over to the couch.  
  
'Tell us what happened.' Phoebe tried to reason. My throat still wouldn't let me speak and I knelt down by Chandler, forgetting I was ever mad at him in the first place. I took a deep breath and tried to explain.  
Chandler lay on the sofa for hours until he woke up, by then I had also fallen asleep by his side, Phoebe and Joey had been great and offered to stay, they were in the kitchen when they heard Chandler gasp as he woke, being pulled from the terrors of the images that had been storming through his mind. They ran over to us and shook me awake. I looked into my husbands eyes and froze, they were glazed over and staring into nothing but underneath that was a look of panic.  
  
'Chandler?' I whispered timidly. The panic left his eyes and the glazed look vanished as he turned to face me. He gave a weak smile before closing his eyes again but I could tell he was still awake. 'What happened sweetheart? You had us all worried.'  
  
'Sorry.' Chandler breathed. His face was flushed shining with sweat, results from the dreams that had haunted him in his sleep. I put my hand on his cheek and listened to him breathing. Joey and Phoebe silently left, sensing that we needed time alone.  
It was later that night and we were sitting up at the kitchen table. I had locked the door so that we were left uninterrupted. Chandler was sitting opposite me with a cup of Cocoa in his hands, my vain attempt to try and help him relax. He was still shaking and was too scared to look me in the eye.  
  
We had sat in silence for half an hour before one of us spoke. 'I'm so sorry Monica.' He told me. 'I didn't think I had really wrote that letter, I thought it was just a dream.'  
  
'What dream?' I asked him. he seemed to be struggling to tell me so I reached my hand out on to his to try and reassure him.  
  
'Remember when I woke up during the night a few days ago and we had that talk?' I nodded and he continued. 'Well I had a dream that woke me up. I was depressed and upset worse than I can even say and I took a knife and started to hurt myself with it.' He paused and looked at me, trying to work off my reaction to this news, I nodded for him to continue. 'And I had wrote that letter and smeared it with the blood from the wounds. But it was all a dream, how can the letter be real?' He asked, almost pleading with me to make it not true.  
  
'I don't know sweetie.' I answered truthfully.  
  
'And I could see the cuts again, they were still bleeding.' He whispered. I wasn't mad at him anymore, something was wrong and it wasn't his fault. I reached for his hand and squeezed it.  
  
'I think we should go to bed.' I whispered back, hoping that sleep would help, not knowing what else to do. I got and started to walk to the bedroom, hoping he would follow.  
  
'Mon.' I turned round and saw a ghost of a smile on his lips.  
  
'Yes honey?'  
  
'I quit my job.' He told me. I smiled and walked back over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him on the forehead.  
  
'Well done.'  
Ok, so what exactly happened didn't make much sense but it will soon. Please leave a review all ya lovely people ;-) the next chapter will be back to Chandler's point of view again and we will get to see what's happening. 


	5. Chapter 5

Hiya, this is just a little teaser because I wanted this to continue as soon as possible but I want to continue my other story first so I just wrote this little bit for all my lovely fans out there who always leave reviews (hint hint lol). Anyway please leave a review and I shall continue. BTW this is one of three alternative ideas I had and I used this one coz a reviewer mentioned it as well as my best friend so if you think this is really bad then I'll write another one. Anyway this authors note is getting as long as the story so here we go.  
It was a week later and everything had gone back to normal, or at least that was what everyone was pretending. Monica was cleaning more and paying more attention to me but avoiding the subject of the letter which she burned when she thought I was asleep. Joey and Phoebe were acting like nothing had happened; even though they had read the note and Joey didn't like to leave me alone. Not that I minded, I hated being alone. It was alone that it happened.  
  
It wasn't the 'voices in my head' sort of scenario but it was close. I heard things, people saying things that weren't being said by the people in the room at the time. And I still dreamed those disturbing dreams that were becoming more frequent. But still I didn't tell anyone.  
  
'Are you coming with me Chandler?' Joey asked. He was going to the Knicks game, I didn't feel like going, all those people there. I just wanted to be alone.  
  
'No, I think I'll just stay here.' I told him, switching on the TV. Joey hesitated, Monica wasn't home, she was her parents with Ross and Rachel and Phoebe was out with Mike. No-one would be here until later tonight. I could tell he didn't want to leave me on my own.  
  
'Yeah I didn't really want to go either.' He lied. I could see that it pained him to turn down the Knicks like that but he really didn't trust to leave me on my own.  
  
'Joey, I'll be fine on my own.' I told him. it was nice to be thought of but I didn't want people putting themselves out to 'look after' me. I would be fine on my own for a little while.  
  
Joey hesitated again before agreeing, saying goodbye and leaving. I sighed. This was the first time I had been alone since the letter incident. I tried to concentrate on the TV but it was hard. My vision was starting to blur and before long all I could see were the burry smudges of colour of all the things around me except for one object in front of me.  
  
I stood up sharply and my vision cleared instantly, the object in front of me disappearing. I couldn't believe what I had seen, it was impossible, a hallucination.  
  
Monica had been standing in front of me. Her clothes were covered in blood and dirt, as were her face and arms. Scratches were evident on any part of her body that was exposed, which, as her clothes were torn, was a lot. One of her eyes was shut, liquid pouring out of it as she opened her mouth to say something.  
  
But she had disappeared before she could say a word.  
  
I began to panic, had Monica been in a crash? Was this her last visit to me before she left this world? I had to know. My hand reached for the phone and my fingers dialled before I realised I was doing it.  
  
There was no answer, the phone just kept ringing.  
  
My body broke out in a cold sweat. This couldn't be true, it just couldn't. I couldn't live without her.  
  
And I would make sure I wouldn't.  
I ran in to the bathroom, seeking what I already knew was there in the cabinet. A small plastic bottle of powerful painkillers, with a very strong warning not to take more then two an hour.  
  
Subconsciously I knew that what I was doing was stupid, I had to prove that Monica wasn't alive any more. There was no reason to take an overdose. But I was driven. I felt I had to.  
  
That was all I remembered.  
My vision was blurry again, but this time I was just waking up. The strong smell of disinfectant and the machinery by my bed told me that I was in hospital.  
  
'Chandler?' A small voice called. I looked over to the right side of my bed and saw Joey looking down at me. Tears had streaked his cheeks and his hair was a mess. His hands were shaking and all of this brought me out of reality and lifted me out of an almost dream-like stature that had enveloped me a moment after Joey had left. I was able to see clearly now.  
  
I groaned and covered my face with my hands. What had I done? 


	6. Chapter 6

Ok this is really annoying because some of these lines are meant to be in italic font but when I upload the chapter they just stay the same and it really confuses people.

This chapter is the switches from peoples point of view and is still confusing but everything is explained in the next one I PROMISE!!!! *Crosses heart* 

'Monica! I thought you were dead!' I yelled. I wasn't angry, I was scared. Monica had come rushing to the hospital as soon as Joey called her. She had genuinely been upset and not, as I had believed, hurt at all. I had asked Joey to leave us alone for a moment while I talked to Monica about why I did it. She hadn't seemed to respond when we were in the hospital, probably thinking it was something I said because of the effect of the pills I had taken.

But now, in the cold light of day after I was discharged and we were alone in our apartment, she didn't seem to buy it.

'There was no reason for you think I was dead Chandler!' She cried. I could tell she was through being patient with me and needed to know why I was doing these things. I suppose I couldn't blame her, I felt the same way. I didn't want to be this way, seeing and hearing these strange things that effected me so badly. 

'Monica I know it was stupid, I wasn't thinking. I saw you there, I didn't know what to think.' I tried to reason, tried to make her see that I wasn't entirely to blame. That was a hard thing to do when I thought I was to blame myself.

'What is wrong with you lately? You start to have a mid-life crisis in the middle of the night, you write a suicide note and pretend not to know anything about it, you freak out about imaginary scars and dead people. I don't even know what to do with you any more.' She yelled. With each sentence my heart felt heavier. I was acting like an idiot and in the process I was losing her.

'Monica.' I whispered as she turned her back on me. 'Please honey, I don't know what's happening. I really cant control all of this. Please, I need help.' I pleaded. Monica turned around to face me. I held out my arms to her and she accepted them and we stood there in the middle of the kitchen for what seemed like an age. 

'Guys? Are you in? Was want to see how Chandler is.' I heard Ross' voice through the door. I could hear the others wondering aloud why the door was locked.

I didn't want them to be with us, I wanted this to be about just me and Monica. Something took over me and I wanted this to go my way.

Before Monica could answer I forced my hand on her mouth and dragged her to the bedroom.

'Chandler? What the hell are you doing?' She asked me incredulously as I let her go. 

'Shh'  I hushed. I had reached a limit I didn't know existed, I was sick and tired of having to live my relationship with Monica around our friends. Ross giving me those evil stares if I ever did anything, even the tiniest thing, to upset Monica. No-ones perfect and we all end up hurting someone some of the time. Rachel and Phoebe always telling Monica how she can do better and Joey telling me the same in his own way wasn't doing much for my confidence. 

'Chandler, seriously let me go.' Monica warned as I held on to her arm to prevent her from leaving. 

'I want it to be just us two, forever.' I hissed. I could feel it again, something had taken over my consciousness, I couldn't stop it and within a flash I couldn't even see it anymore. I had gone to another place again, a place which I didn't like. I place that my dreams usually took me to.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_(Monica's POV)_

_His eyes were glazed over. I noticed that first when I looked at him. For the first time since I knew him I was scared to be with him. _

_His hand was still clamped over my mouth and somehow he seemed stronger then me. He was whispering sweet words to me in my ear but for once they didn't seem sweet to me. His whole body language had changed and it didn't feel like it was Chandler any more. _

_'I love you Monica.' He whispered. 'Let me show you how much.' And he led me over to the bed. _

_His touch was warm and loving but unwanted. I tried to tell him. He wasn't well and I didn't feel comfortable with him touching me when he was like this. I tried to pull away or convince him otherwise but nothing would deter him. _

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_(Chandlers' POV)_

I woke up in the middle of the night again, but this time it wasn't to a nightmare. I lay in bed with my eyes closed, listening to the snuffled breathing of my wife next to me and the sound of the traffic outside.

_'Look what you've done to her.'_ My eyes snapped open. The voice wasn't my wife's. I looked around the room. No-one was the except me and Monica. As my eyes fell on her my heart skipped a beat. Her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks stained by tears. Clothes lay in a tattered heap on the floor and neither of us were wearing clothes. 

What had I done? I couldn't remember anything.

 '_You're sick Chandler.'_ The voice said. '_You raped your own wife!'_

'No.' I whispered disbelievingly. 

'_Oh but you did. She tried to stop you. You know why? Coz she doesn't love you._'

'She does.'  I spoke confidentially. I sounded more sure then I really was.  

'_You forced her in to this room and demanded she stayed. You tried to kill yourself and that made her think you don't care about her no more. I mean, com on! You fantasised about her dieing and threatened her with a suicide note. Some loving husband you are.' _I shook my head not wanted to hear.

'I didn't mean it!' I yelled. I felt Monica stir next to me but it went unnoticed. 

_'You don't have a job any more. You're not good enough for her, you never have and you never will be.' _The voice hissed. I help up my hands to my ears, not wanting it to continue. 

'Shut up!' I screamed.

'Chandler?' 

'SHUT UP!'

'And as if your friends care about you any more. All they did was come to visit you after you scared the hell out of Joey and tried to end your life and you refused to see them, they wont want to know you now Chandler.'

'NO!'

'Chandler? What's wrong?'

'Leave me alone!'

_'Your parents didn't care about you enough to visit you did they? You tried to kill yourself and everything and they didn't even bother to call. You must have been a really good boy to deserve that.'_ The voice laughed. I cried out and attempted to stand up but my legs were shaking too bad.

'Chandler? Baby tell me what's wrong.'

'Stop them!' I begged. I hadn't heard Monica talk at first but when she reached out and touched my arm I looked down at her on the bed. 'Please Monica.' I whispered desperately. 'Please make them stop.'

'Make who stop? Sweetie I don't understand.'

'_See? She wont even help you.' _

'Monica.' I shuddered. A wave of nausea quickly swept over me, followed by exhaustion. I leant my head against Monicas shoulder as she sat up level with me. My eyelids drooped and suddenly I was carried of to solitude in my dreams.


	7. Chapter 7

Hiya, this chapter is very long and explains what's happening, but the ending is not boring even if the rest of the chapter is. It just explains everything so I can continue without dragging it out and leaving you confused. This is all Joey and Monicas POV's but it will be Chandler's next ok? (sorry Tina lol)

'Do you want anything man?' I asked. Chandler shook his head and continued to stare at the TV, watching nothing as it wasn't even on. I frowned, Monica hadn't told me what was wrong exactly, just said not to leave him alone and not to ask him what was wrong. I went over to the kitchen to try and busy myself with something, it was uncomfortable sitting in silence and I was nervous. 

I knew something was wrong with Chandler, it was clear when he tried to kill himself and afterwards didn't even seem to notice how it affected everyone, as if he had a valid reason to do it.

'I'm sorry.' Came out of the silence suddenly. I turned around and saw Chandler standing by the couch.

'For what?' I asked confused.

'For what I did. Monica told me you were the one that found me after I tried to… well you know.' He said uncomfortably. I nodded and tried to force a smile.

'I know, Monica said something was bothering you, I just want to help.'

'Thanks.' He said. There was a pause before he spoke again. 'I think I'm just going to go to bed, I'm so tired.' That wasn't a lie, his eyes were drooping and he had yawned ten times in the last minute. I nodded and watched as he walked over to the bedroom he shared with Monica. 

I sat at the kitchen with a drink in my hand, wondering what was so wrong with my best friend that he felt he had to try and kill himself. Why hadn't he come to speak to me? I know that I may not be the most helpful person at times but there must have been something I could have done.

It was half an hour later when Monica came back home. She smiled at me as she placed a chemists bag on the counter and looked round at Ross, Rachel and Phoebe who had followed her in.

'What's wrong?' Rachel asked. So far Monica, Phoebe and I were the only ones who knew there was something wrong with Chandler. I mean Ross and Rachel knew Chandler had been in hospital but not why. They thought he was ill or something.

'Where's Chandler, Joey?' She asked, ignoring Rachels question. I pointed to the bedroom and watched as she went to join her husband.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(Monica's POV)

I watched him sleep, looking so innocent now, as apposed to a few hours ago when we were in the psychiatrists office. He hadn't been listening to what the doctor was saying, just stared ahead and let me explain the situation to the doctor. 

Schizophrenia. That's what the doctor had said was wrong. Well that was his opinion at least. It would take a few session with just Chandler alone with the doctor, Dr. Gibson, to figure out what exactly was wrong, after all no tow cases of schizophrenia were identical. 

'Sleep tight baby.' I whispered and kissed him on the cheek. I shut off the light as I walked back out to the gang waiting in the kitchen.

'What's wrong?' Rachel repeated. I sat down at the table and the others followed suit.

'Chandler's ill.' I told them. I thought it would be best to just be direct. Ross and Rachel gasped, but Joey and Phoebe, already knowing something was wrong, stayed silent and waited for me to continue. 'I took him to a psychiatrist today, after all what's happened.'

'What's happened?' Ross interrupted. I glanced at him and ran off the list.

'He's been having nightmares, been severely depressed, attempted suicide, had hallucinations and heard voices. Dr. Gibson told me that the symptoms sounded like schizophrenia but he cant be entirely sure as there isn't really any specific details. He's given me a prescription for antidepressants and some things that I should be likely to expect.'

'Oh God.' Phoebe breathed. 'Will he be alright?' 

'I don't know. Dr Gibson said that he'll try his best but it's never certain in these cases. But usually they do get better.'

'What is schizophrenia?' Joey asked. I frowned and retrieved a sheet from the chemists bag.

'Schizophrenia is the most common for of severe metal illness and is potentially very disabling.' I read from the sheet. 'Men and women are diagnosed with it in equal proportions and people who are diagnosed are usually people in their late twenties, early thirties. One in every 100 people will experience schizophrenia before they reach 45.'

'Whoa.' Joey said. 'How do you know if you've got it? It could just be something else couldn't it?' he sounded desperate and I knew what he meant. Anything else but a mental illness would be enough.

'Here's the symptoms list.' I said and handed it over. The leaflet seemed so casual, as if it were describing loan situations, not my husbands welfare.

'What are the symptoms?

· Depression.

· It is not a split 'Dr Jekell and Mr Hyde' situation and no two people have the same symptoms.

· Some people have single episodes of illness whiles other people have it their whole life

· Sufferers may have false beliefs, like everyone is against them or that you are someone else.

· They may hear voices, see or smell things that aren't there.

· They may believe that people, events or even objects control their feelings.

· They may lack energy and sleep a lot and lose interest in their surroundings.

· They may also act aggressive if they are upset during an episode'

'Aggressive?' Ross asked. 'Has he been aggressive?' Monica hesitated before answering.

'Well… last night he wouldn't let me answer the door, he said during the session at the psychiatrist that he felt then that he didn't want to live our relationship through our friends.' She looked down at her feet. She thought it would be best to leave the part where he raped her between them. besides, it wasn't really rape. After a moment she had given up trying to fight him, feeling that he wasn't himself and there was nothing she could do.

'Monica, do you think you should be left alone with him? What if he does it again?'

'Dr Gibson thought that it might be safer if he went to a institution for a little while.' She admitted. 'But the look on his face. He was practically begging me not to make him go there.' 

The others exchanged looks. They couldn't believe this was happening, but still they decided to do their best to help him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(Joeys' POV)

I was looking after Chandler that night as Monica needed to see her parents. She said that she was going to tell them that Chandler wasn't well, and she didn't care about what they said.

Chandler was still sleeping in the bedroom and I was watching TV, there was nothing good on though. Half an hour after Monica and the rest of the gang left Chandler came out of the room.

'Hey man. How are you feeling?' I asked him. he smiled at me and walked in to the kitchen. 

'Hey what are these?' He asked, spotting the antidepressants. 

'Uh Monica said that you should take two every four hours I think.' I told him. he nodded but put the bottle of pills back on the table.

'I think I've had enough with pills for a while.'

'Well… if there's anything I can do to help just say ok?' I said. Chandler smiled and sniffed, as if hiding back tears.

'Thanks man, you've always been so good to me. Helped me through break-ups and relationship problems.'

'Hey Chandler, that's ok.' I said, I wasn't use to emotional conversations.

'But you know what? Some day you're going to find a woman and settle down with her, she's going to steal you away from me, just like Monica stole me away from you.' I got a bit tense as I saw his eyes glaze over. 'But I have a way to fix that.' He said smiling. The smile was frightening, almost not human and definatly not good. 

He walked over to the draw and reached inside it, pulling out a gleaming knife.

'If I cant keep you forever… then no-one will.' He whispered.   


	8. Chapter 8

'They seemed to take that rather well.' Rachel said to me as we walked back to our apartments. I sighed.

'Yeah right, it could have gone worse, they could have-' I was cut off from a yell coming from my apartment. Without question Rachel and I ran in, and gasped at what we had walked in on.

Chandler had been startled and began to panic. He was still holding the knife in his hand and when he heard us come in he grabbed Joey who was standing in front of him. he held the knife to Joey's throat and turned him around so that his back was against Chandler's chest.

'Chandler! what are you doing?' I gasped. I should have known it wasn't good to leave him on his own.

'You cant take him away from me Monica!' He yelled at me.

'Chandler, I'm not going anywhere.' Joey said, trying his best not to struggle against the knife, that would only upset Chandler and make him more aggressive. 

'I love Joey! He's my best friend, someone's going to take him away from me and I don't want them to! Too many people have been taken away from me and I wont let it happen this time. If I cant have him then no-one else will. That goes for you too Monica, but I know your not going to leave me.' He shouted.

'Chandler, baby, just calm down.' I said, trying my best to try and calm him down. 'No-ones going to take him, you know that.' I looked in to his eyes and saw once more that they were glazed over, he wasn't himself again, this was just another episode. That thought wasn't comforting as I knew by now that he could do anything when he was having an episode. 

'I thought that before and look what happened. They said my parents were going to be fine, they said that my cousin was going to be fine! They said… they said.' Chandler trailed off, his eyes were drooping and his arm holding up the knife to Joey's throat was weakening. His grip on Joey was loosening and his knees were bending.

'Chandler?' Rachel called nervously, she could see as well what was happening, Chandler didn't look good. He was leaning entirely on Joey now until his hand lost all feeling and the knife dropped to the floor, narrowly missing both of their feet.

'Don't… don't let them take… let them take me.' Chandler whispered as he completely lost all energy and feeling and dropped heavily to the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_The boy lay on the cold, starched bed, his thoughts consuming him, taking him deeper and deeper in to his subconscious. They had fed him on sedation drugs until he was subdued and now he could hardly move a muscle. He had tried his best but he needed help, and there was no-one in his life that was willing to give it.  _

_A young girl walked in to the room, she was alone with him and shut the door to keep it that way. She walked over to the bed and pulled up chair to sit next to him. The sounds were magnified as it was so quiet. But still the boy didn't even notice. The drugs had made him oblivious to sounds and he couldn't even open his eyes to look if he did hear something. She listened to his breathing. Gently in and soundlessly out. He didn't move, not even a twitch. It was unnatural and it made the girl scared. She felt she was the only one who cared for this boy but her opinion or suggestions didn't matter and no-one paid attention, even though it would have saved him from… this._

_She sat there in absolute silence for an hour, just watching him breath in and out. She couldn't tell if he was asleep, but she knew it didn't matter. The boy was out of his mind, he needed the help only his family could give, but he had no family, no family that cared for him anyway. So instead they had sent him here, to a place where they certainly didn't care about him, just wanted to get their money by feeding him drugs and making sure he could hurt anyone anymore,_

_The girl had to wonder if this really was a solution, after all what would happen to him in the long run. These drugs would sedate him now but when he was released he would still be bothered by these 'episodes' he had been having. The girl knew that he wasn't really a danger, it was just his subconscious screaming out, trying to release all the torment and anger and terror that the world had forced upon him.  _

_But this couldn't be good, holding him down to stop him from expressing these feelings, keeping them bottled up inside. It would be worse for him later on. They would break out again and more people, maybe even people he cared about, could be hurt next time._

_The boy could sense her next to him; he could feel small warm breaths near his hand. He didn't know who it was, whether or not it was a good person or a bad person. He tried to open his eyes, but his eyelids were too heavy and he was exhausted, although he hadn't moved in ages. He used all the strength he possessed and his eyelids fluttered open. The vision was hazy and he still couldn't make out the person._

_The girl saw his eyes open and remained still, she didn't want to worry him. It seemed that she was the only one who understood what was happening to him and how to treat him._

_His vision cleared and he made out the shape of the girl, instantly relieved when he realised who it was and knew that she was no threat._

_'Hey sweetie.' She whispered. The message came through fuzzy but he made it out and tried to smile at her.  _

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(Chandlers' POV)

My head was hurting. Although my vision was blurry I could tell I was in the living room. I could also tell there was other people in the room. But I couldn't tell what I had done.

I blinked a few times and my vision became unblurred. Monica was kneeling on the floor by the couch that I was lying on and Rachel was on the coffee table. I sighed heavily as the last wave of queasiness  the conscious dream vanished.  

I knew something bad had happened, I had done it again. I groaned as it sat up, knowing that they would send me away again. I didn't want to go back to that place, I didn't want to back on the drugs and have to lay in that cold bed all day. I didn't want the nurses shoving sharp needles in my arms again. Not again.

'Chandler?' Monica whispered. I wouldn't look at her, I had done something bad, she was bound to be mad at me. I felt really bad, to disappoint Monica like that. 'Chandler, sweetie.' She said, placing her hand on my cheek, gently pulling my face up so that I was looking at her. I tried to block out my thoughts.

_'Look what you've done.'_

But I didn't do anything, I thought.

_'Look at Joey, look at what you've done.'_

I slowly turned to face Joey, not wanting to know what I had done. He looked ok, a bit shook up. But there was a red mark on his neck, sort of if someone had ripped a necklace off him, leaving a mark. But I knew it had to be more then that.

_'You tried to hurt him!' The voice spat at me. _

'I didn't mean to.' I whispered. 

'What was that?' Monica asked.

_'You were trying to kill him! how could you 'not mean' to do that?'_

'I didn't mean to!' I said in a strangled voice.

'Chandler? Didn't meant to do-'

_'But you were trying to kill him!'_

'I didn't mean to!' I yelled. I stopped as I realised the others didn't know who I was shouting at. It was happening again.

I turned and looked at Monica, who was shocked to say the least. 'What am I going o do?' I asked desperately. She took me in to her arms and held me against her chest, like a mother comforting her child.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the rest of that day, and all through the night I sat on the window seat, looking out at the balcony, just staring. I ignored everyone and their attempts to try and talk to me. If I didn't move then I could hurt anyone. I managed to block out everything except the thing that I wanted to most. That voice, the one telling me that I wasn't good enough. I knew what it meant and I didn't want it to happen again, not after last time.

I thought I faintly heard my mothers voice but I blocked it out, just like everything else.

Hey, sorry that took long and makes you think about a lot more questions but I have to keep you all interested somehow ;-) lol. Please leave a review. I know where im going with this again now so the next part will be up soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**_(Chandler's POV)_**

'Chandler sweetie?' 

I ignored it. Just like everything else. Well almost everything.

_'You think not hearing them is going to change anything?'_

It means I cant hear if they hate me or not. I tried to reason with myself. 

Well of course they hate you, they're all trying their best to help and your ignoring them! 

'Chandler, your Moms here.'

I didn't want to speak to her.

I didn't want to speak to anyone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**_(Monica's POV)_**

'He's been sitting there since last night, he didn't even sleep. I really don't know what to do.' I whispered to Nora. She just nodded. 'He mentioned earlier that it had happened once before, or something like that. And the psychiatrist already had a sort of file on him. What's going on?'

'It did happen before.' Nora said simply. She walked over to where Chandler was sitting, in exactly the same position as last night and reached her hand out to touch him. 'Chandler?' He turned his head away from her and leaned it against the glass, closing his eyes. 

Nora sighed and turned to look back at me. 'Coffee?' 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**_(Chandler's POV)_**

'Why'd you turn away from her? She wanted to help you.' 

Like they helped me before? Like they helped Kelly? I don't think so.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(Monica's POV)

We were sitting at the kitchen table, Chandler still on the window seat. I had made us both coffee and Nora was telling me what she knew. She explained to me that Chandler had been like this as a child, moody and aggressive. She and Charles had agreed to take him to a psychiatrist, it just wasn't normal for a seven year old to act that way. He was given pills, but they didn't seem to work, he was still temperamental and attacked when anyone tried to yell at him. It all got worse after their divorce two years later.

People had suggest a place where they could study him, work out what was wrong and they treat him. Nora hadn't known what else to do, so she accepted it. She didn't know what they did to him in there. 

When he came out at the age of twelve he was more withdrawn. He didn't eat much or want to do much, juts sat there in his room, maybe listening to music or reading. He wasn't temperamental anymore, far from it. He didn't even speak unless spoken to any more.

Nora wasn't sure if this was good or bad.

'Most people are mislead to believe that schizophrenia is a mental illness, like a split personality. But I was talking to my niece Nadia about it, she's a psychiatrist who specializes in that area, and she said that research has shown that it may actually be a brain disease, caused by the brain development when the person is still a foetus. That is when the brain is wired up; nerve cells grow and divide, building connections with each other. The basic flaw in the brains of many schizophrenics seems to be that certain nerve cells migrate to the wrong areas when the brain is first taking shape, leaving small regions of the brain permanently out of place or miswired. And that cam lead to the delusions and so forth of schizophrenia.' Nora explained. 

I nodded. We sat in silence for a moment, just drinking our second cup of coffee. The silence was interrupted when Chandler stood up and walked over to our bedroom. He shut the door without even looking at us.

I took a shuddering breath and looked back at Nora. 'I really don't know what to do.'

Nora nodded. 'Well, like I said, my niece, Chandler's cousin, specialises in schizophrenia. I can call her and she can suggest what we could do.'

'She specialises in it?' I smiled. 'That's convenient.' Nora looked downcast. 

'Not convenient, just related.' She stood up to take her cup over to the sink and emptied it, refilling it from the coffee pot.

'Related?'

'This isn't a good story.' She warned. I shook it off and asked her to continue. With a sigh Nora sat back down and began.

'Chandler wasn't the only one in our family with a mental disorder. His cousin Kelly also went to the place Chandler went to, so they could figure out what was wrong. She wasn't so lucky though. When she was sent home on the course of drugs like Chandler she went in to a pit of depression from which she never recovered. She was found by her sister in the kitchen with her wrists slashed.'

I gasped. This was horrible. Maybe that was what Chandler had meant when he said _'they said that my cousin was going to be fine!' _

'That's why Nadia is specialising in schizophrenia. It was her sister who killed herself. She wanted to find out a way of helping people with this condition, she was in the treatment centre when they were both in there, she knew what they were doing. She has successfully treated people in the past few years, I think she's taking a few years off to do lectures and presentations on this treatment, but I know she'll be happy to at least tell us what we can do.'

My heart leapt. Since the suicide note, all that had happened from there, the delusions, the voices, threats and the danger that seemed to take place there had seemed to be no answer. Everything I did seemed to change nothing. But now there was a chance, even if it was a small one it was still a chance. 

'When can you call her?' I asked, the desperation I was feeling clear in my tone. Nora smiled a reassuring smile at me.

'I can call right now if you want me to, she only lives in Jersey, she can be over here be this evening.'

I practically ran to the phone and gave it to her. I watched intently as she dialled the number. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**_(Chandler's POV)_**

I had to get out the room. Even though I had tried to block out what they were saying it still heard some of it. They were talking about me. Something about what had happened before. About Nadia and the place I had to go to, the place which had filled me up on sedatives until I couldn't even open my eyes. Fear had struck me and I started to find it hard to breath. 

I didn't want to go back to that place. I wouldn't let them take me back to that place. I would fight if I had to.

'What good would that do? They'll take you there anyway' 

No they wouldn't, they love me, they wouldn't force me. Would they?

_'Of course they would. After all you did to them they'll be glad to get rid of you.'_

I lay down on the bed a breathed heavily. They aren't going to take me there, They aren't going to take me there, They aren't going to take me there, They aren't going to take me there.

I started to say it aloud, trying my best to convince myself.

'Chandler?' Monica asked as she opened the door. She came in to the room, a little shocked to find me like this.

'They aren't going to take me there, They aren't going to take me there.'

'Baby?' She took another hesitant step towards me and my eyes snapped open, looking straight at her.

'Please don't take me there.' I pleaded. She smiled her wonderful smile at me and sat next to me on the bed.

'We're not taking you anywhere.' She promised me. 'Your Moms here, she's ringing your cousin Nadia. She's going to come and help you. In the way that _you _want to be helped. Is that ok?' She looked deep in to my eyes and I saw she wasn't lying. I sat up and clung on to her. 

'Thankyou Monica.' I whispered with a shuddering breath. Tears started to fall from my moist eyes as I realise that Monica was going to help me, I should stop believing that voice. It wasn't true.

'There's no need to thank me baby.' She whispered in to my hair and held me close to her. We stayed like this for what seemed like ever. It wasn't until I heard Nadia's voice that I reluctantly let her go.

**Heya, sorry it took so long, I had to get all of my coursework finished before I could do anything. And now that it's the Easter holidays I have more time to revise! Although I'll probably end up writing more of this :-S. I really should stop that lol. Anyway, I'm going to catch up with my revision now so please leave a review!!! **


	10. Chapter 10

**(Monica's POV)**

One year later… 

Kitchen… clean, livingroom… clean… everything was clean. 

'Hey Mon.' Phoebe greeted as she walked in. She stopped to look around, realising it was the first time in ages I had cleaned everything so well. 'What's the occasion?'

'Chandler's coming home tomorrow!' I exclaimed. Chandler had gone to live with Nadia the day she came round, it was best for him to go. Chandler obviously didn't want to go to a hospital or anything for treatment, so Nadia thought it would be better if he were to go and live with her, then she would be able to monitor his condition and be able to prescribe the right drugs for him quicker. He would be safer there and have the right counselling from someone he trusted. 

'That's great!' Phoebe exclaimed. She had come with me on quite a few of my many visits to Nadia's large beach house in Jersey, as had the rest of the gang, but we still all missed him, it wasn't the same without his jokes and just him being here.

'I know, Nadia said that he was well enough to be back with us, he just has to go see her three times a week for counselling and take whatever drugs she's given him and he'll be fine. I'm picking him up tomorrow, I really cant wait!'

'Oh I cant wait to have him home, he seemed lonely last time we saw him.'

The last time Phoebe had been with me to see Chandler was on his birthday, we all went to see him and spend the day with him, he did seem a little withdrawn, maybe intimidated by having us all there for the whole day for the first time since he went there. But the next time I went was a week later, the longest time I had spent away from him, but for a reason, he seemed a lot better, almost like his old self, except for the fact he kept shaking his head.

Nadia had told me that he did that to quieten the voice, his subconscious doubt and fears speaking to him as someone else. Anxiety and paranoia were a couple signs of Schizophrenia and she had noticed both in Chandler, figuring that maybe they were the cause of the 'voice'.

After that I visited him almost everyday bringing with me the reason that I had spent a whole week away from him before, our daughter Tina.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**(Chandler's POV)**

'Chandler!' Nadia called out. I smiled as I drew my eyes away from the window, Monica had just drove in to the driveway. I had seen her drive to the house countless times but this time I knew that I would be going home with her.

I picked up my bags and carried them downstairs, as there were so many of them it took a few minutes to get them all into the hallway. Monica and Nadia were talking in the livingroom.

Nadia was explaining my medication to Monica, handing her a bottle full of pills after every sentence.

'Ok, these are Carbamazepines, they're mood stabilizers, they aren't for regular use, just if he does have a mood swing, these will be very useful, but you have to monitor the amount, because otherwise it could get toxic. These are Tofranil, a anti-depressant in case he gets a little blue, he should take three every two days, these are antipsychotics, they keep most symptoms under check and these.' She said, handing Monica the last bottle of pills 'are triazolam, just a sedative, only to be used if he has sleeping problems caused by the illness.'

Monica nodded, looking at the bottles in her hands. 

'Nadi, I know all this, can I go home now?' I pleaded, I wanted to see all my friends again.

Will they want to see you?    

Of course they would want to see me again, they're my friends, why wouldn't they?

Nadia turned to look at me.

'Remember to voice what the voice says, it's just your subconscious doubts and your friends will help them go away, eventually the voice will go too. Ok?'

I nodded, and the looked right back at her.

'It's saying that they wont want to see me.' I admitted sheepishly. Monica smiled and took my hand.

'They cant wait to have you home again, Phoebe wanted to throw a party, but we thought it would be best if it was just us seven. And talking of the seventh one Tina's waiting in the car for her Dada.'

I smiled back at her, feeling elated at the thought of going home, of course they wanted me back, I was their friend. And the mention of my beautiful baby girl made me even more eager.

'Well we don't want to keep her waiting now do we?' I said as we began to head to the car. Nadia came out to say goodbye and I held her close, thanking her for helping me so much, after all I put her through. It hadn't been the best time I spent with her until I had gotten settled on the right course of drugs. I had yelled and hated her, but she had been brilliant, helping me and getting me through the moments when I just wanted to curl up and die.

'Take care guys!' She yelled after us and we waved as the car pulled out of the driveway. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'Welcome home!' My friends yelled at me as I walked through the door. I smiled widely. I had missed them all being together so much!

'Hey guys!' I laughed as they all rushed over to hug me.

I knew from there that it would go back to the way it had been before, given time that is. 

_They're faking it. _

For the first time, I ignored the voice, I knew better.

Wow, I left that a really long time! Sorry about that ;)

Ok now that's finished! And I am sorry it's a bit of a sudden ending but it would get boring to drag it out even further.

Please leave a review!!! I hope you all enjoyed the story and Thankyou to all the people who have stuck by it all this time, you guys keep me writing ;)

Love Vikki

XXxxXX


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